Well, the near future came sooner than I thought. This is Part 2 from yesterdays post. Please read Part 1 if you haven't yet. I woke up this morning and an interesting phenomenon occurred. I reread yesterdays post and more ideas came to me. I very often reread, that's not new, or I change words or ideas, but this morning was different. I must have added about thirty percent more. So as I sit and write and think, and write some more, the words will come. Because when I think about the subject of not caring what others think, it brings to mind my entire life.
If you have been following this blog since I started in February, you know I grew up being a care taker for my parents and both siblings. The list of good things happening to me is much longer than the bad. And I am very grateful for that. Let me elaborate a little.
I was a good child, happy, and always willing to help my mother. I was the oldest and fell right into the role of caring for my brother and sister. I was the little mommy for the entire family but I did not mind. The accolades I received were what fed me. I'm not sure what was missing except I do know I can't remember any hugs. My mother loved me and my step father cared about me, but I can't remember any outward affection, or touching. I am sure I craved touch. I loved being the older sister and my siblings loved me back. I know now my parents loved me for what I did - not who I was! I know there are many of us who have experienced this - they loved me for what I did, NOT who I was!! This simply perpetuated my necessity to stay in that role.
I kept building that "false self". The Aleta that needed to be a certain way in order to survive. The house was messy, so I picked it up and kept things organized. My mom couldn't find her keys and I always found them. I remember once going to the grocery store with my mother and she had me bring in a good check to replace a bad one. I had to go up to the customer service window and hand them a check. I don't know how old I was and I don't remember feeling any emotions. But since I remember this incident, it most definitely made a huge impression on me - certainly a negative one.
Both parents depended on me too much and stole some of my childhood.
I went to three different high schools and received a terrible high school education. I can't remember going out very often like a normal teenager. Then I became my mother's buddy since I was usually at home. I remember my mother telling me I had to clean the whole house if I wanted to go out. I don't know how often this happened but it is a vivid memory.
Why is this pertinent? Why do I find it necessary to talk about my personal family history? First of all, I have discovered writing is extremely therapeutic for me. Along with writing I like to solve problems, and express myself on paper (I guess I better say in cyber space). I have been blogging or trying to blog since 2011. In November of last year, I went to Italy by myself and blogged everyday. That was the class I needed to take. I say "class" because it was the writing that I felt I had to do everyday that saved me. I looked forward to writing and I never missed a day. I digressed a bit here, but I simply want to say that I hope I can help others on their quest to understand their personal challenges, and how to come back stronger.
We will all go through some stuff in life that is not ideal, and some will go through much worse, even life threatening things. Having dreams and desires and holding fast to them can take you far. It's probably best to keep them to yourself, until you feel you are strong enough to combat (emotionally) the evil nay sayers. I have always been a big dreamer, anything and everything, and I am sure that has been one of my big gifts that has helped me.
Dream big, simply know in your heart of hearts that things will change and you will have choices open up to you that are not evident now. Always see the glass half full, because it is. It's all about attitude. People say to me "Have a great day". And sometimes my response is "Thank you, that is always my plan. It's all about attitude, isn't it?" Some people say yes, you are right, and some look at me like I'm from Mars. It's okay, I planted a seed. Always say "when" something will happen, not "if". Saying it out loud will affirm it.
Caring about what people think allows them to control who we are. Don't let that happen. I have grown children and only the last few years have I been able to figure a lot of this out. As I said in yesterdays post, a life filled with trying to do the impossible - to please everyone - is a recipe for disaster, misery, and illness.
Please take my story and put yours in its place. Find where you can change your attitude about something, or pick up a book you can learn from, or exercise and get those endorphins in formation, or learn to say no to certain people who only take, or write the list I talked about yesterday.....do something, do something today that will give you 10 seconds of boldness. That boldness today will give you the fortitude to take 20 seconds of boldness, perhaps tomorrow. And next week you may have that grumpy coworker treating you differently, or you now have more energy and can therefore see clearly how to solve a problem that has been troubling you for months.
I never mean to sound like this is easy - it is not. But in my honesty and openness I am hoping to spur you to greater heights, to a life we all deserve. Life is very short. In the blink of an eye the children are gone, and are having children of their own, and all of a sudden you are called a S E N I O R!
If you want to do some soul searching, and change some things about your life you don't like, then I suggest you get out a blank sheet of paper. Start writing, brainstorming, what or who troubles you, what you would like to change, what you would like to do for fun, how you can change your employment, do you want to go back to school, who do you want to tell "I love you" to. Make up your own list but start it today. Once you start you will not even notice the time fly by, and then you will be amazed!
Good night and God Bless! Aleta
"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible." - Francis of Assisi
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